Today, the single notable event in my life was that a woman driving a very cumbersome and hefty white van came to a complete halt in the middle of the road to gawk at my boots. They are fabulous, if I do say so myself, but seriously… I am always glad to be of service in the facilitation of vehicular accidents; perhaps if I have a hand in the death of enough women I may wiggle my way into being considered attractive sheerly through the process of elimination? My prospects are so brilliant, I shudder to think of them.
Actually, yesterday was rife with hysteria. I discovered that I can fit into my size zero pants (mind you, they are stretchy cords, so it’s cheating, but a zero nonetheless!) Then I donned my aforementioned boots and steered my oversized ass out the door to walk the dog. (To be exact, I was wearing exactly the same outfit as today. It’s so gross I can’t even talk about it, but I figured twice the same pants would be better that torn sweatpants, seeing as they served me so well in past encounters with the male gender!) Anyways, I passed the restaurant where the dear from the biking fiasco works, and I waved. And then, miracle of miracles, he came outside to talk to me. While he was supposed to be working! Perhaps he really didn’t see the forest of hair, and finds my odd behavior quirkily endearing. Fat chance. I suppose instead he is THE most forgiving lad of all time. I am in love. Anyway, he made an allusion to my being attractive, and then I made him laugh so hard he had told on to me for balance. He is officially going to drop by my house to hang out. I do not know how I manage it. Truly, it is a great mystery to be contemplated in times of mental boredom. In fact, my success with men is shrouded in such mystery that it could keep the restless people of the world occupied for all eternity. Oh yes. And some venture to say I have a flair for the dramatic. Such nonsense!
Also, an ex-friend came by to get a shirt of his that I have officially lost, and rather than get mad he just leered and gaped. His eyes popped out of his head, and I was like “please, put them back in. That is rather unattractive and gross.” I lost a collectors’ concert t-shirt and he just hit on me. Lecher! No, but seriously, you lose 15 pounds and the world is your oyster. Voila!!! C’est magique! Dear lord. It’s just ridiculous, but such is life. This is possibly the longest and rambliest post you have ever read in your lifetime. Forgive me. You asked for it, but I should warn you that I have a touch of logorrhea (word diarrhea). Reconsidering?
Tell me more. I shall keep you updated with more stupidity as soon as I can manage it!!!
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